Today I went to Cowichan River w/ Lampe, and we leasurly floated our way down. I'm amazed at how much Jason really hasn't matured since the last time I was around him (last September..?) for any extended period of time. He really is immature, and so is Garrett, who he just had to bring along.
We had a great day drifting down the river, it was very relaxing and nice and warm. I was lovin spending time in my bikini (very liberating) and tanning while in the water. I love the water, there is freedom in the water. Everyone is weightless and graceful, it's a cool paradise and if I could I would live w/in it.
Afterwards we went swimming in Cowichan Lake, and floated around in the waves of the water skiiers. The floaties we had were a bit unstable and the water quite cold at first, and when I dumped myself in by accident my water-proof camera went sailing down to the bottom of the lake. If only I'd noticed. Well I did notice, half an hour later after floating around a large portion of the swimming area. Who knows where it is now ? All I know is that I don't have it, and the worst part is that even though it's in the water if only I could find it... it would be perfectly unharmed.
Now when I lose/break electronics I don't know why, but I have an especially hard time dealing w/ it. I'm filled w/ rage and I can't help but to think that I'm worthless, stupid, unable to keep anything. I felt like walking up to the first solid object I came to and slamming my fist into it. If Lampe and her family hadn't been there I would have. When I lose an electronic, or break it, I am overwhelmed w/ the feeling that I need to hurt myself, to punish myself in a way I can more easily handle. I can handle physical pain, it's the emotional loss I can't take.
I realize you're probly thinking that "she's making way too big a deal about an electronic" and maybe I am. The thing is that they're the only things I lose or break and they're the most expensive things I own. My parents don't buy me things, I'm not a spoilt girl w/ a rich daddy.I buy my own things, and that camera was $200 off UsedVictoria.com. My phone screen is also broken, which I must now take into Mayfair (maybe tomorrow) to get fixed... IF my warranty covers it.
I punched the wall, there's no more skin on my knuckles. It didn't help. It would've if I had done it when I was consumed w/ rage but by the time I got home I was exhausted and the anger had turned to tears. I'm consumed w/ sadness... and I'm fearing telling my mother. As if my own personal self-imposed punishment wasn't enough she'll no doubt be extremely dissapointed.
My camera is gone, my pictures that I needed for a birthday present for tomorrow are at the bottom of a fucking lake.
There's a million things going on in my life at the moment, and I just want to curl up and sleep forever. I hate it when people say "fuck it" just b/c they're going through a hard time. I'm admitting it, I'm going through a hard fucking time at the moment.
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