SEAPARC

So my first shift went well ! 330 - 730 ; 5 hours ; $66
My knees hurt like hell, I fell on the ice instead of running over some little 7 year old punk who was endangering everybody w/ his skating. It's hard, to fall and get back up again... especially when you're staff.
I've only got one shift a week, which kind of sucks. I'm not the one w/ the least amount of hours though, so that's something to be grateful for. I'm sure as long as I work hard and make myself available my hours will increase. I'm just starting out new so I've got no senority, but that'll change.
I get into the drop in programs for free, which is a bonus. Maybe swimming some laps will be a bit easier. I need to work on my skating though, I don't want any kid to out-do me. I'm sure you're like "umm.. you're a skating instructor... shouldn't you be an amazing skater ?" yeah well you'd think so right ? but that's not the whole point of it, you just have got to be good w/ kids and you've got to be a good teacher.
Welcome to the SEAPARC team !

Once apon a time, I had a best friend.

Surfer Dude

So today I hung around the house, and watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy. I didn't do my homework, which I vowed I would do. I also went to Jordan River to watch Hazen surf.... twice.
It was my last shift at Stone Pipe tonight, which is kinda sad. I'm extremely tired so I'll keep it short, all I have to say is

I love the beach,

and my surfer boy.

Sittin at home, on a Friday night.

So I was supposed to get drunk w/ Shaelee tonight, but that fell through. So now I'm sitting at home blogging while she is getting wasted off my 2/6. FML.
Today I hung out w/ Hazen, some much neede time. We watched The Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past (only about 6 months over-due) and then goofed around for a while. It was good to catch up, I've been feeling very lost w/out him.
I'm looking forward to the Celtics game next weekend, I need to get drunk. I need to get out of my stupid house and be a teenager. All my friends are out livin it up and I'm sitting here thinking about things that aren't relevant.
Have you ever notice how many words are contractions ?

No Hair = Nair
Little Edge = Ledge
Not Ever = Never

Do you want the good news or the bad news first ?

Everyone always wants the fucking good news.

I'd prefer the bad.

The Good.

So on Monday I walked into Sooke with Tuzzi, it was great ! I walked along the road and found out that Tuzzi is most definely scared of cars but maybe he'll get over it =]

Then on Tuesday I biked into Sooke for my meeting, it was great !

I am really enjoying the physical activity, and the beautiful place that we live in. Here's my theory...

In order to be a whole and balanced person, you must use your body just as much as you use your mind.

So lately I've been crazy using my mind trying to achieve new things and trying to get things done. Going up and above expectations for my schoolwork in some subjects and trying my hardest only to fail in others. I've been stressing out about my life without any way to unleash it from my body... and then I walked into Sooke.
It was amazing, there are two moments that stick out for me. One when I came to a patch of the road that completely borders the ocean, like sometimes the road gets wet. I stood there and watched the water, it was so beautiful. The sky was orange in one corner and the rocks and trees were sillouhetted along with the spray. Then once I got into Sooke I was cutting through a trail which used to be a driveway, which used to lead up to the house that my dad grew up in. It was so astounding to stand next to my father's childhood home and look up at the stars as the bats flitted around me. I bet you he stood at that exact spot and watched those stars when he was my age.

I haven't walked or biked into Sooke today, or yesterday which sucks. I would really like too but I have other commitments. I will take a walk up to the lake tonight though, clear my thoughts. I'm so glad that I've found this way of just letting go, of just creating balance w/in myself. And hey, maybe I'll lose some weight too !

The Bad.

I know I bitch about this all the time but I truly do miss Hazen. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. For those who have broken up there is always the goal that one day you won't miss that person so much, the point is that you've got to move on, got to get better.

For people who are in a relationship there usually is no missing, you see that person a lot. You hold them in your arms and store their kisses in your pocket.

I'm in a relationship where I miss him so much, there is no moving on, there is no daily decline of the ache there is only the ache and the need. The addiction. I am not even considering breaking up w/ Hazen, which makes the missing so much harder. If I missed him b/c we were no longer together then I would slap myself up and tell myself to "be a man!"

The worst kind of missing is the kind when you know where they are, they're in the same building as you or maybe even the same room but you can't be w/ them the way you want to be. I miss so much lazy afternoons spent full of eachother. I miss making love, I miss the way we are when it's just the two of us. Honestly, I miss being alone w/ him.

I don't see any let up, we'll hang out tomorrow night (which I am looking forward too, drunken pool-ness w/ a bunch of mostly naked teens ? fuck yeah), then we had plans to go to Earth Dance, a hippie music fest night, which were only loosely made but he's got guests tomorrow night and I'm working tomorrow afternoon. Damn. On sunday we might see each other during the afternoon but he's surfing in the morning and I'm working Sunday night... my last shift at Stone Pipe ??

I miss his stupid self.

there is no pain, you are receding.

So last night Hazen took me to the PIGS concert, it was fucking awesome.

Incase you don't know the PIGS are a Pink Floyd cover band, and if you don't know who Pink Floyd is get the fuck away from my blog.

They've got the full set; rythm guitar, lead guitar, basist, keyboard, drums, sax, vocalist and of course a full light show. The girl that does the vocals for the Great Gig In The Sky is absolutely amazing, and their lead guitarist's voice is perfect for Money and their basist... omg... he even looks like Roger Waters !

Dave and Sam (another girl from the exchange program) came along, as well as Dean & Damien. Poor Damien fractured his hip falling from a rope swing!

An explosion of Lampe.

So once I got home on Friday I was peacefully watching Tyra.... then Cara arrived.

First of all I just want to say I love Cara Marks, she's so great. She's almost always positive and is super strong, she's been through a lot and yet she manages to smile all the time. Also she is so goofy and wacky, she honestly doesn't give a shit what people think of her and she rocks it... BAM. CONFIDENCE.

So we finished watching Tyra (it was super educational) and then we made some super awesome pizzas. Then we made the most amazing banner that has ever existed. I unfortunately wasn't smart enough to take pictues of it. It said

OHME. Even though you're a bone head, we love you.

Happy fete !!

for Miss Lampe =] an awesome birthday present if I do say so myself.

Then we went to Lampe's.

An hour late

but it didn't matter

b/c we had an amazing banner.

Then the fun started. I will give you an equation so you can figure out how much fun we had...

GINGER

+

LAMPE

+

SMILLS & CARA-BOMA

+

CHUNG

+

ARMY

+

AUDETTE

+

MEIKLE

+

BOOBS

=

&

&

the above picture is the explanation to why the Koreans didn't

start a war w/ Canada. It's simple.

We have lesbians.

"I'll get lettuce, pickles, olives and sweet onion sauce please"

So yes I do realize that this post is about something that happened two days ago but as it seems lately I'm just unable to get on the computer and therefore have days w/out posts and then days where it all backs up on me and I have several.

So, here's the first of todays about Friday.

Friday was a really good day, started out w/ English which is my favorite block. I love talking to Cara, passing notes to Lampe & Army and of course tickling Hazen's ear w/ my pencil when he's concentrating hard reading his book. The day trickled on, and my good mood lasted. It almost left in Art when I was really frusterated w/ my composition but it's all goood.

After school Hazen & I got a ride up Sooke w/ my mom, and grabbed some subway... well he did anyways. Footlong veggie on italian herb and cheese w/ lettuce, pickles, olives and sweet onion sauce. EW.

We then walked down to the boardwalk and sat on the bottom w/ our feet in the freezing cold and yet amazingly beautiful ocean while Hazen ate his sub. I stole some of it and fed the seagulls, which attracted an amazing amount of them which in the end was kind of a bad thing. Then we walked along the boardwalk and were going to hop the railing and continue to walk along the beach and try and find a spot to just sit, surrounded by nature and get away from everything from our daily lives.

So off I go first, and jump over the railing. Upon landing my ankle rolls and snaps. FML.

I appologize for feet photos.

I hate feet.

SO I'm kind of a pro at ankle injuries, I get them a lot. The ladies and the x-ray clinic know me by first name. So I'm crying 'cause it hurts a hell of a lot and Hazen's panicking b/c he doesn't know what to do. Eventually the pain calms down a bit and so does Hazen and we make it back up onto the board walk and start limping to the other end.

I couldn't stop crying. Wouldn't you agree that it's easier to not cry than to stop crying ?

Once you start everything that's been bugging you or weighing on you just comes rushing up to your mind and you can't help but to just stand there and pour it all out. So I did. I hugged Hazen and I cried like a little girl. I cried b/c of the pain, I cried b/c I felt I'd ruined our afternoon, I cried b/c of how Hazen and I have been strained, I cried b/c my grandma is dying, I cried b/c I don't like my exchange students that well, I cried b/c Shaelee cried, I cried b/c I just desperately want things to go back to the way they were in the sumer, I cried b/c I was exhausted. Eventually I stopped crying.

His shirt was wet, and we continued to limp along. We passe Ellie & Ivan who were enjoying the view just as we were. I faked a smile, I didn't want her to see I had been crying, it's one thing for Hazen to see me w/ my gaurd down but I try and be tough to the rest of the world.

I'd also like to say that I love jelly fish. This is a picture I took when my mom and I were in Galiano, I absolutely love it. I love jelly fish, and just to make the boardwalk hour and a half even more amazing, the waters were filled with jelly fish ! I realize that oceans filled w/ jelly fish are becoming a major problem but I still love jellies.

Hazen bought me icecream, b/c every brave girl deserves icecream aparantly and we hobbled up to the bus stop. I caught the 430 community bus home and then just relaxed for a bit... and then Cara arrived.. but that's another post.

I Miss You.

I miss Hazen so much. It's not fair.
I saw him today for a bit, we went for a walk after school up sooke muchin our way. Then Hazen went to the gym and I went home on the community bus. It wasn't the plan for the begining, but I felt that I was completely willing to wait half an hour by myself and get home late on the stinkin community bus if it meant a few stolen minutes with Hazen. It was sponatanious but I think it also shows how desperate I am for any time w/ him, especially since he's not allowed to hang out during the week.
I'm feeling like Hazen & I are a little strained, but I only feel that way when we're not together. When we're together everything is fine, it's just the two of us and when it comes to our relationship that's all it should be. I wish I saw him more, and at school doesn't count. Well it counts, but it's hard. We're together, enough to do damage, but not enough to heal. When we're together at school we're not quite ourselves, we are what we think is acceptable for the people that surround us. I can't kiss him like I want too, and I can't hug him like I want too.
This just 'aint working for me. I feel like we're stuck in this kind of limbo, well no that's not the right word. Not limbo but a medium ground, we're not away from each other enough to fight or to condone a "break" but we're not together quite enough to create total happiness in the indulgement of love and being w/ the person you love.
I know I bitched about not seeing him in the summer, but now I feel just stupid. I would trade anything to go back to that amount of kisses.

So much time has passed

I haven't been blogging for a while, and therefore I appologize for the excess. Times have been hard, tears have been spilt.
I am currently making dinner, I know I'm a great multi-tasker. The oven or furno is my partner in crime, my baby's daddy... it's his weekend w/ the kid.
School isn't as hard anymore, I'm getting back into the rythm. The only thing that I don't like about school and that I really am not enjoying is the not seeing Hazen much. I see him in class, but it's just a tease. I see his broad back sitting in front of me and I just want to push my desk out of the way and wrap myself around his strong shoulders. I want to kiss his neck and snuggle into him as deep as I can. But I can't, b/c we're in the middle of AP English for cryin' out loud ! I don't, but I want too.
Leadership is going well for me, we had a speaker from Rwanda in yesterday and we've commited to continuing to help his schools. I think that we should initiate a program where we buy them a CD player and then record ourselves reading books. Then we would send these tapes along w/ the books to Rwanda so they could listen and read in English. I'm sure there are dozens of grants that we could apply for that support illiteracy and such, I'm sure that it is possible. I'm sure that I want too. I'm sure they will get the books. They will.

I had two job interviews yesterday, and I've been offered one of them. The other said they would call me by the end of the week. I really want the other. I enjoy my current job, I just can't decide. How the hell did I get myself into this mess ?

It's time for me to go to work, I have responsibilities you know. Responsibilities that I sometimes feel I'm not up-holding. My responsibilities to Hazen, my responsibility to snuggle into his arms at every possible moment. God, I miss him... the him he is when we are just us.

ela nome silencio

We sit at the dining room table, one on either side of the table; a game in the middle. The seeds travel from bowl to bowl, moved by nimble fingers. I stare at him, and he stares at me. We don't speak the same language and our names are foreign on each other's tongue. The game goes on, and we rejoice in our personal victories and smirk at the other's misfortune. It's all in the eyes. His big brown ones tell me all I need to know, and I can't help but to wonder what he finds in my blues. Sibling rivalry, that's what this is.
Dave comes upstairs and sits down at the table across from me, and beside Onofre. He is surprised we have started the game w/out the need for his translation skills, he is impressed. He turns to Onofre and begins to explain in Portuguese the purpose and the elements of a game he doesn't know but Onofre just holds up a long finger and says "I know".
Dave is more silent than us. The game continues. Looks and glances make up the conversation and a whole world passes between us and the game. It feels good to come together in comraderie and play a game, some friendly competition in a stressed out world.
The game ends, and Dave jumps in. Mom comes over, and they play. Dave loses spectacularly and we are all crying by the end from laughing too hard. Dave is a funny guy, and w/out him the house would be much more dull. Eventually I beat Dave, and Onofre laughs.
My eyes are heavy, and bed looks more and more appealing. I extend my hand to Onofre, and we shake. Good game, we both say. He smiles and I laugh, fun had by all. He goes downstairs and I off too bed, friends w/out a word passing between us.

LGs

Do you know what bugs me ? the older guys hittin on the lgs.
So if you're not from 642 and have never heard of an lg than here we go, an lg is a little girl. but not just any little girl, a young girl who wears a lot of make up, waay to short skirts and waay too low shirts. A little girl who has succesfully turned herself into an older girl by changing the way she looks instead of the way she acts.
Now when we got into EMCS a lot of grade 9 girls started dating gr 10 guys, and even some grade 11 guys *cough*James Price*cough* but that was okay. I'll tell you why it was okay, 1. b/c the term lg hadn't really come around yet and 2. b/c the girls of our grade were considerably more mature than the ones in grade 9 this year.

I know you might be thinking, that's a little harsh and unfair. I really don't mind when people date people who aren't their age, it's quite common in fact. I've even done it myself a few times but it bugs me when the older person uses the fact that they're older to seduce the younger.
It wouldn't bug me if I didn't walk through the commons in the morning and see 4 or 5 groups of 6 or 7 girls surrounding by 1 or 2 guys in grade 10 or 11. They've got no confidence, it's not special. It's older guy showing off to girls they don't care about.

I used to get high for a living.

So I'm absolutely in love w/ this instrumental piece called Ocean by JBT (John Butler Trio) and the only thing that I don't like about it is that I have no way to reference it in my facebook status, twitter updates or msn name. Like when you're listening to an amazing song you just put your favorite lyrics into your update and then everyone gets the jist of it... I wish there was some way I could put a miniature of the sheet music for Ocean onto the computer. That'd be wicked.
For any and all of you who don't know who JBT is and have therefore never listened to Ocean in particular ; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0 There you go. Watch it, all of it. It's amazing to the last second and you should wear a helmet also... to prevent the splattering of your brain.
So yesterday went allright, it was blazin' hot !! We all got up (me earlier than I would have liked, it's hard to sleep w/ a cold) and lazed around a bit. My mom left early and my dad left earlier so it was just me, Dave & Onofre (my appologies for spelling it wrong previously). We went in about 1 to the Fall Fair/Bike Show/Chilli Cook-Off/Sookeini Race. I think our little shin-dig blew their mind, espescially Onofre's. Dave ate more chilli than he could handle, and Onofre loved the photography section of the fair. We all voted for Brody's Dad's bike at the Bike Show and laughed as one of the zucinni racers blew up their zuc w/ an illegal firework. Hazen joined us at the Chilli Cookoff, so he missed the bikes but got to expirience everything else =]
Then we went back to my place after renting a movie (alien vs. predator), the boys went downstairs and had a nap while I whooped Hazen's ass at Spite & Malice ! Hazen's amazing, but when it comes to cards .... haha.
Then we ate dinner (we told the exchange students it was skunk... took them a bit to figure out it was ham) and watched Alien vs. Predator. Dave had seen it before, Hazen thought it was funny, Onofre couldn't understand a word of it but loved the action shots ... and I was scared shitless. It was great fun, and Hazen left 'round 10. I then dottled off to bed, still not feeling well.
When I woke up this morning I felt a lot better. I've just lazed around the house today. The boys are out volunteering... I was going to go w/ them but I decided sleep was more important haha. I've been listening to JBT on repeat for hours now and have have been talking to Tamara on the phone for almost as long, it's great to catch up w/ her !
I'm trying to figure out what the hell to wear... this is such an ordeal and I wish it wasn't. It isn't an ordeal except when I have to dress for work 'cause I have to follow a strict dresscode pfft. Jeans and a tee-shirt aren't allowed. I wish they'd just supply us w/ a uniform.
I believe my grandma is dying. No, it's not that sad. She has severe dimensia but in the last few days she's gone downhill so much. Her body is starting to fail her and she wages a constant war against her mind. I got out of the shower today to find her crying in the kitchen b/c it was her bed time and she needed to get back to her bed but she was lost. It was 1 in the afternoon and our house is small, you can see her suite from the kitchen. I'm a bit worried, she seems to really not be comprehending things as of late. I guess we'll just see, but there really isn't much we can do anymore. She's got severe problems w/ her ankles which makes it hard to walk but she won't do what the doctors say so it's just making things worse. My mom is tired of being her mother's parent, it's really wearing her down but now more than ever my Grama needs help but I don't know how to give it to her and my mom is on the verge of depression.
Thank God for JBT, who I never would have found if it weren't for Hazen so thank God for him too.

umm .... pardon ?

So yesterday I went home at break, and slept for 2 hours. I was feeling really sick, but after my nap I felt a bit better. I got all my fall-fair entries in order and then Hazen came over. He'd been at my house for about 15 minutes when he got a call that he had to work that night and left soon after. That kinda sucked, but oh well.
I showered and then headed in to pick up the exchange students. We left at 530 (when we were supposed to arrive @ the church) but on the way we stopped b/c there was a squirrel in the road. We honked our horn to encourage it off the road but when it moved it was dragging its back legs. So we went over to Jennifer's house and got a bucket and a towel and went back for the little guy. We weren't able to find him afterwards, I felt really bad. Half an hour later we eventually made it to the church and met Dave & Enoufre (e-noof-fray). Dave talks a lot, but I think that was partly b/c he's super nervouse and Enoufre speaks hardly any English so he doesn't talk much at all. I'm sure by the time they leave I'll know quite a bit of Portugese.
I will post pictures of them as soon as I can, I keep forgetting to charge my camera battery.
This morning I woke up feeling more sick than ever. I took some cold medication and am going to try and find some one to cover my shift tonight.
I puked in the shower this morning, but don't tell anyone that. It's the fall fair, the chilli cook-off, their first day here and most importantly Hazen & my's 10 month. That's right double digits mofuckers.

Tie-Dye

so it's morning and I feel like shit. I got a really good nights sleep last night but to no avail, the ginger sneezes again. My throat hurts and my head is full and it's time to go to school. I just wanted to say why I'm going to school
1. Cara, Dominique, Lampe, Mara, Destany and I are wearing our tie-dye tshirts
2. I want to see Hazen.
3. I'm hoping Hazen can come over after, take care of me ??


The exchange students arrive today... GAAAH.

ginger snap ? ginger sneeze.

So school is interesting. I don't mind being back I guess but as I'm sitting in my classes I can't yet keep my mind focused... except in English. English w/ Mrs.Zanardo is my favorite hour (2 if I'm lucky) of the whole day. It's a great class, apart from being an awesome subject w/ my favorite teacher I've got a lot of friends in that class. Hazen (our only class together), Lampe, Cara, Shaelee, Kaitlyn and many more. I'd be great if Bekki were there too.
I like seeing everyone, for sure but I am finding I really don't enjoy my academics much lately which is something I used to love. I'm finding that I look forward all day to my English block, and math is actually my 2nd favorite. I know, holy shit right ?
yesterday was our first full day, and I got homework. Gaah Doneiki we're not going to get along if you keep this up. Then I went and hung out w/ Joe, my older brother. He's a commercial fisherman and is gone for months at a time. The night went as it usualy does, we all piled into the truck and went up Sooke. Hung around for a while and smoked some reefer. Then, as is the custom when it's a Joe & Emily day, we kicked everyone out of the truck (which gathers a lot of people... tailgaiting where ever we go) and headed into Langford. We had dinner at the Maygold Village and saw Inglorious Bastards... a good, if strange, movie.
I liked seeing Joe, it's always interesting. It's very chill. We ride around in his truck and he pays for everything. I liked seeing him but it was kind of bad timing since it was after my first day back at school and I was exhausted. On the way home I almost started crying at just how much I wished I was curled up next to Hazen under his warm covers, falling asleep in his arms. A few tears fell, unnoticed.
It was a good thing I saw Joe, 'cause he left this morning about 3 am. Today at school we started curiculum and I've got homework... it's English though so I don't mind. I'm feeling really sick, my throat is killing me and I keep sneezing. My mommy is making me some food since I just spent the past 4 hours helping her get ready. The exchange students arrive tomorrow... and it's time for me to do my homework and go to sleep... and yes I plan to be sleeping w/in the hour.

EMCS

I'm not ready to go back to school. I'm going back to school feeling like I haven't accomplished the summer that I wanted. I haven't smoked enough joints, haven't downed enough bottles. I haven't walked along enough beaches, I haven't swam in enough lakes. I haven't spent enough nights camping, and I haven't shopped enough.
I've worked too much, and fought too much. I've spent too much time wishing I was somewhere else.
I wonder if this is how I'll feel on the eve of my graduation, "no, no, please. I'm ready to grow up, I just don't feel I've done enough childish things yet..." School is school but for me right now it's also a dissapointment. School isn't somewhere I hate, in fact I usually like school one heck of a lot but it means the ending of my summer and I'm just not ready for that yet. 3 months ago I thought that I'd have the best summer ever, full of drunken nights and warm breezes. I've done a lot this summer that I've liked, I've had a decent summer but I spent way too much time wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else.
And what do I have to show for it ?
I have a strengthened relationship w/ Hazen. and I guess I should just shut up b/c that's good enough for me

Exhaustion ?

So I got my camera back. thank you so much Dad !!
I'm not going to blogg for very long, just give you a quick low-down.
today I got a lot of walking in. Walked from Stone Pipe to Hazen's, picked up my iPod and dropped him off some lunch, walked to SEAPARC and did my Skating Instructor's course for 4 hours. Walked from SEAPARC and met Hazen; then we proceeded to Subway then on to Markus's. Then I walked back to Work Link for the One Stop Shop, over to the doctor's, then up to the Church for a meeting.
1. I'm doing a Skating Instructor's course, and I'm loving it. Hopefully it can be a job for me !! Tomorrow we are teaching 3-5 year old's how to skate. I'm partnered w/ Carlee Hay... oh well. you win some you lose some.
2. Today was the first time I've seen Hazen since Saturday, we're not seeing much of each other these days.
3. I'm getting exchange students from Mozambique in 11 days !! (that's what the meeting was for)

Well I've done my homework, and uploaded my photos and now it's time for bed.