Happy and sad

I'm happy, my problem has resolved itself ! There's nothing more relieving than skipping a death sentence, well not a death sentence but definetly a life sentence !
I'm sad because I'm not sure what's going to happen with my grandmother. Today my mom argued with her all day to try and get her to take her pills but she wouldn't. Still hasn't. If she can't take her pills she will die of a heart attack or a stroke. I don't know what to do, and neither does anyone else.
Today I went over to Eli's house with Hazen, Emily, Richard, Owen and of course Eli. Yuliya and Tyler were supposed to come but Yuls wasn't feeling well. I had a lot of fun, I like hanging out with friends, in a group !! Which I don't do often, but I like it. We should do it more :) Once I move downstairs then we can all go down there and chill and watch movies. This time next month, I'll be packing !!
I'm off to do some homework, and here's hopin my grandmother chooses to take her pills !

Grrrrrrr, put up your dukes

My mom and I are fighting. Which to me isn't really hurtfull, just really annoying. My mom and I hardly ever fight, so this is usual. I'm not used to it. I keep forgetting I'm mad at her and then saying something friendly... FML. Totaly against what I'm fighting for. Which I'm not sure what it is...
I've got a problem, but I shant write it on here because it's not really a problem... yet. It's just the potential for a problem. I don't know how to feel about it. optomistic or condeming ? it varies. Anyways, this problem is getting to me and I appologize to everyone and anyone for my rude behavior as of late. Hopefully it will resolve itself soon enough.
Anyways, my mom and I are fighting. Which I have to say again, doesn't happen very much. Most of the time my mother and I are almost friends, pretty much. She doesn't realize how lucky she is that I spend time w/ her, that sounds very self-righteous of me but I just look at the people around me and think of the things they say to their parents and the things they keep from them... and I have to think that she's lucky. I could be so much worse. I say that as a threat, but really it's just a bluff.
Oh well, things will blow over and hopefully things will sort themselves out

Life to the root of abortion

http://www.crossroad.to/Quotes/Education/things-learned.htm

So, I would like to just say that so far academically this year has been quite hard. Especially mathematics. My teacher is Mrs.Doniecki, and she's horrid. I find it hard to do the questions, when she doesn't explain them well. Her class is out of control, and no one isn't behind... actually I'm finally all caught up =]
Yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours doing only math homework, and another 45 minutes today. Yesterday there was one question that stumped me, I couldn't get the right answer for the life of me... and eventually Onofre, Dave and I spent 20 minutes on this one question.

I went in to her classroom at lunch today, and she explained it to me. I get it now. Want to know why I didn't get it ?

Because she didn't explain to us the final step in the 4 step equation because she "didn't think we would need it" and when I told her "how could you have not thought we'd need it ? Why do you think so many people failed the test ?" she just said, "oops, oh dear".

"HEY ! TEACHER ! Leave those kids alone" - Pink Floyd

I remember turning 10...

Do you remember turning ten ? I remember turning ten :)
It wasn't an especially good year, grade five. I learned a lot of hard lessons that year, but alas we all will eventually. For all the short comings that grade five had to offer, I distinctly remember turning ten ! I remember being super excited, I thought I was dope shit !
I don't know how many girls I had at my birthday party, but I remember playing Frisbee Golf and Jennifer Noble somehow injuring her leg. I remember sleeping in our huge tree house, and I remember that Annie gave me Mary Kate & Ashley dolls...
Yesterday Hazen's little sister Madeleine turned ten ! She's been so excited, waiting and waiting for weeks ! Her party was yesterday also, to which she invited me :) It was very fun ! I got her a beautiful boquet of flowers, her first, and my mom painted her a painting of their new puppy; Daisy. Charmaine (Hazen's mom) cried when she saw the painting, it was adorable.
4 other 10 year-olds arrived at 5, and we all ate pizza and they decorated pumpkins. Then the girls went swimming till about 8 and Hazen, Damien, Dean and I created an AWESOME haunted house downstairs. The girls were led through it, and we scared them silly ! It was actually quite fun.
Then we all had icecream cake, and the girls went downstairs and watched a movie while Hazen, Dean, Damien and I watched The Stone Of Destiny upstairs, cute movie btw. I wrote positive phrases on sticky notes and put them all around Maddy's mirror, and on the ceiling above her bunk bed I put two sticky notes that said "Goodnight lovebug"
Dean and Hazen drove me home at about eleven, I had had a great day ! Hazen was a bit grouchy, well not grouchy but not as happy as usual. Maybe he's just tired, but I really hope he's not getting tired of me.

Only 25 days or 602 hours or 36158 minutes until it has been a year :)

Happy !

So today was a great day, with a bad ending. But, I won't let them spoil my day, my day was great.
I was sceptical about it, not sure if it would work out. The evening was riddled with traces of them and they're shallowness but it's all okay, I'm bigger than that. School was good, I met my Thai student, her name is Sang-Sang... and she thinks I am crazy for having so many piercings.
After school Hazen and I wandered around up Sooke for a while, and ended up in The Stick In The Mudd, only the best place on Earth.
We hung around, and played Squabble. We drank coffee and nibbled on delicious peanut butter nut bars. We found Yuliya, only to have her ditch us. Then we went up Sooke, and went to Alex's house. We walked in on him & Jenn... that was only a little awkward. Eventually we high-jacked them for a movie and headed into Langford.
We ate dinner at Romeo's, and kicked ourselves when the cheque came. One day, I will dine and dash... just not in my home town ish =]
Then we went and saw Couple's Retreat, and absolutely amazing movie. I was happy, almost the entire time! We got soaked in the rain, and we laughed until we almost cried. The evening was dotted by posers, and people I'm currently mad at. Oh well, I lift my head high.
We bussed home, and had fun all the way. We're all tired, but we're all happy. I'm happy, for the first time in a while. I'm completely broke, and need to buy a birthday present tomorrow ... I'll figure it out ! I'm broke, but it was completely worth it. I smile, genuinely.

"The meaning of life is

to give life meaning"

- Ken Hudgens

tearful with the rain

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I've felt like crying all day, and I'm not sure why... which is the scariest part. Some days I feel happy for no reason, just blissfully good and then some days I want to cry all day. I read my essay outloud in english and to make matters worse... I cried. Not like teared up, I cried. Like bawled. Like had to stop reading because I couldn't make any sound come out.
Afterwards she called me brave, but I didn't feel brave. I felt small, tearfull, weak, embrassed, exposed. I wanted to cry some more, I wanted to walk away and go to where I could cry without shame. I wanted to run away, and I wanted only Hazen to follow me.
Ever since reading my essay tears are only a second away from my eyes. Small things, like dropping something, or forgetting my book at school ; they're defeating.
All I want to do is curl up in front of the woodstove with a blanket and read my book. I would also love to have Hazen curl up with me, with his book but that's not possible so I will refrain from even thinking it.
Today I misplaced my replacement phone. How ironic. In my frantic state trying to get my essay printed off on our frugal computer system, I have left it behind somewhere.
I feel defeated, all I want is my book which is entombed in my steel locker.

happily exhausted

So I am officially a certified Standard First Aid Provider.
aka, the course is over ! it was actually one of the better courses that I've taken, and the young instructor made it a bit more fun. His name was Matt, and he treated the Baby Anne Dolls with surprising hostility haha
I got up early, and got my mom to french braid my hair, then proceeded into Sooke. After a quick stop at the corner store for some French Vanilla Capaccinno I was at SEAPARC for 830.
I had my 2nd lesson today, and it was amazing ! It went really well, and I know that Carrie was really impressed. I don't mean to brag, but my lesson is the only one that was up and running, learning things ! I've got 14 kids in my lesson, and they're all darling. "Bradly" is so cute, he's a quick learner and is the only one that talks. "okay is everybody ready ?" everyone else just shakes their heads nervously but "Bradly" does a little bunny hop and shouts "YES !". He's so cute ! And of course "Charlotte" tries so hard, and she gets so excited about telling her mom everything that she learned that day. She's so adorable, I just want to bring her home with me. All the kids are great, and the lesson went so well !
Then we finished off and I went back to Hazen's house, earlier than expected.We had the house to ourself for 3 or so hours, and it was really nice. To just be with each other, nothing between us.
Then we had a nice dinner, that we made =] well really all we did was put it in the oven.
And now I'm home, exhausted, but happily exhausted. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, it's also our 11 month.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Loving

Tired !

Today was a good day, I went to my first lesbian wedding. Congrats Winnie & Joe-Anne. I love the name Winnie, I think I might name my baby girl that. Along with Lilliana ! Winnie and Lilliana, and maybe a Hazen JR ? Hmm, I wonder if we'll get married.
I never let myself indulge in such a notion, I hated the girls that were like "I'm going to marry him. That's just the way it's going to be". yeah, what ever. I could see myself marrying Hazen, but I don't "know" it's going to happen. I would be okay with it, for sure. Although there's always a downside to only really being w/ one person your entire life... you don't get to have your "slutty summer" where you do things you wouldn't tell a soul haha

I bought Hazen a turntable today, it's pretty sweet if I do say so myself. We're having a few problems with hooking it up to an amp but we know it works b/c when you get a record player going you can hear it, very quietly. So it works, we just haven't figured out the wires yet. I bought it for him for our 11 month.
Now we don't do presents, not for Valentines, not for month-aversaries, only birthdays and christmas. But he bought me PIGS tickets last month, and I really wanted to buy him a record player, so I bought it for him for our 11 month. 11 months. holy fuck. I know what I want to buy him for our 1 year, but I'm not going to put it on here b/c there's a chance he might see.
11 months is amazing, it's much 5 months longer than I've ever gone out w/ anyone else. 11 months seems almost more important that a whole year, it's like turning 18, you're a legal adult, but you can't drink yet or go clubbing. You're almost there but the big 19 (or the big 1) seems so much closer, it seems possible. It hasn't felt possible until this moment.
Well I'm going to go to bed, I'm tired ! I've got to be at SEAPARC at 830 tomorrow morning for the final stage of my first aid course, along with work. Then I'm going over to Hazen's house once I'm done at 430. Hopefully going to get that turntable and msn for Hazen working !

toodles :]

"Today was a better day"

Today was a good day, and our bake sale made $165.95. Isn't that amazing ?
We are raising money for 2 highschools in Rwanda, who's principal came to us a couple of weeks ago to give a speach. Belmont Highschool so far has $300, well they've got atleast twice the student population so.. fuck them.
At lunch I hung out with Jessica, Dalton and Hazen which was nice. and after school Shaelee and I went to my ex place of employment... Stone Pipe Grill ; which is now Shaelee's current place of employment. Way to go Shaelee !!! I'm glad she got a job there, so now I don't have to listen to her bitch all the time :P haha jk
Then after appys and hiring with Shaelee we did of course what any girl would do with spare time up Sooke, we went to the Sally Anne. Hazen met us there after his guitar lesson with the oh so cool Jeff and then we walked back to his place, spilling my slushie in the process.
Today was a good and well-balanced day, full of smiles, giggles, cold, and amazing sunsets... oh and some family guy too.
We are writing personal essays in English, I could just write them all year. I think I might write one about how much and why I hate "Ben", and call it 2 inches because that's how close he came to taking away one of the most important things I've ever had.
Oh geez, I just looked up at the computer desk and there is cheesecake batter in the corner... a side-effect of Dave, Onofre and my food fight last night. It was fun, we laughed until we cried.

first draft of my second personal essay

When you're a child discovering the majical worlds that books can offer you, you can often lose yourself too much. Care too much and love too much. When I was young my father would read to me and it is to him I blame for altering me so much with one simple mistake.
I am a striving English student, with many pet peeves. I sometimes appear to suffer from OCD when someone pronounces a word wrong around me, and I know why. I'm very picky about how writing sounds, about how names sound.
When I was very young my father brought a small red book, with a geeky boy standing in front of a steam engine on the cover, home for me. He told me, "Emily, every night before you go to sleep we are going to read some of this book, I will read to you and eventually you'll read to me." And so began the world of Harry Potter.
During the day I woul dplay Harry Potter, using branches for wands and I learned to write by copying out spells from the books and memorizing them. In Kindergarten I could write my name better than everyone and in grade one I could read, sure my spelling was worthless but I was literate before anyone else. By the end of grade two I could write cursive, no big deal. I amazed my teachers in school, they thought I was a genius but really I was just in love.
I loved Harry Potter, not the boy but the world. As soon as my dad came home I was begging for him to read to me, begging to live in the world I so much preffered. I loved the hours spent on the couch reading with my dad, it was the only thing we did together and the only thing we had in common. It was always me and Dad, Mom just didn't understand our addiction. Those hours were everything to me, but they didn't stop me from reading ahead without my dad as soon as I could.
I loved Harry for his strengh, Ron for his humour and his ginger hair, but most of all I loved Hermione for being one of the guys and holding her own. Sometimes I would pretend my friends Daniel and Clay were Harry and Ron, and I of course the mighty Hermione. She was my idol, my friend, the older sister I never had, the image I had for myself.
Now my dad isn't a reader, except when it comes to Harry Potter and when we read aloud to me he made a horrid mistake that neither of us would realize until much later. He called her Her-me-own. Her-me-own, my hero. That's how he said it so that's how I said it. She was Her-me-own to me and in the world I wanted so much I thought my heart would break. I have never since wanted something or someone so much as I wanted my own letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I wanted to go off to school and when I arrived and was sorted, into Gryffindor of course, I would walk over to the table and Her-me-own would offer me the seat next to her.
I was half-way through the fourth Harry Potter book (as it was a new release and I'd read all the others atleast threetimes) when the first movie came out. My father, mother and I went to the Caprice and I could hardly keep still I was so excited. I munched on my kids popcorn meal and it was almost gone before the movie even started. My family couldn't afford to go to the movies so this was an extra-special treat. The movie started and I thought my head would explode.
Twenty minutes in, it did.
"My name's Hermione, Hermione Granger"
Her-my-oh-nee. Not Her-me-own, Her-my-oh-nee. My heart was crushed and my world torn apart. I cried all the way home.
I cried for hours, I cried for days. She wasn't the person I loved, she was someone else. She was a frizzy girl with a frizzy name. She wasn't right, my idol turned out to be my tormentor. The world which I had spent years fabricating to include me no longer fit. It was no longer real and it was no longer possible. Without the possibility of Hogwarts there wasn't a possibility for me. I wanted to die, my world, my life was gone. It was the end of my first great love affair.
I boycotted Harry Potter for a while, tried reading other books but like a dog still in love with its abusive owner, I went crawling back. Eventually I got over Her-me-own, and got to know Her-my-oh-nee. I slowly sank back into the world but with less passion, without the fervour. Her-my-oh-nee was nice, but I missed the lust of Her-me-own.
Harry Potter was never the same for me, and when I turned eleven and no letter came only a few tears fell. J K Rowling's world has already used up its allotment of tears.
I'll never forget Her-me-own, and she is the reason thatyou must pronounce things right. She is the reason things must but perfect, because if you're going to build yourself a new world you don't want it destroyed on a mere formality.

dancing around the house in boxers like an idiot.

Today I'm behind in my subjects at school, I've got an amazing amount of laundry to do, I miss Hazen like crazy, my grandmother is dying, I miss my best friend like crazy, one of my best friends is extremely sick, and I'm worried about quite a few of my friends.

Today I'm staying home from school, today I'm catching up on my subjects from school, today I'm folding laundry, today I love Hazen, today I will make every moment count w/ my Grandmother, today I will phone my best friend and tell her how much I miss her, today I will make a get better card for a good friend, today I will help people with their problems, today I will fix myself.

I'VE GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER.

I'm just sitting, waiting, wishing you believed in superstitions

Didn't let go last night, maybe a little, but not really. I don't know what I want to do today, I know that I want to spend time w/ Hazen and that's about it. Today I don't work, which is great ! First Saturday in a while that I haven't worked but I might not be able to see him at all b/c my mother and I might go into Bictoria and do some shopping and such.... maybe get my phone fixed.
Maybe I can talk her into doing that Monday after school, today I want to ride my bike w/ Hazen into Langford!

I feel the need.

Tomorrow I want to lay it all out, and let the fuck go. Too bad I can't do that at my house... hmm... I need some dope-ass plans for tomorrow night. I need some alchohal, and I've got a shitload of weed.
What to do ? What to do ?