sleep ? yes please.

I'm exhausted, and therefor shallow. I really shouldn't blog, I should just go to bed. My mouth hurts, my room smells and we're out of fucking bananas. The latter being b/c my grama is on a new spree of only eating bananas, grilled cheese and icecream.
The Art Show was good, I enjoyed myself. I'm pree dissapointed in the 12 or so people who said they were coming... and didn't show. Thanks for the fucking support guys.
Hazen played amazingly, and I heard him sing for the first time. He was great, and according to Shaelee is "the next big Irish boy !"
Alyssa was great as well, belting out the lyrics to songs I don't like but the sound of her voice makes every teenage girl wish she was Alyssa... or atleast had her voice.
I'm hungry, and exhausted. They don't mix. I feel like crying, which is horrid.
Also I'm feeling very jealous. Shaelee is getting more piercings and Jessica Lampe is getting a tattoo, 2 things I desperately want but can't have b/c of my over-controling parents... who are gettng on my nerves. They treat me like crap, and tell me they don't want me around then half an hour later want to be best friends. Fucking choose one.
I'm going to bed now, I've got to be @ Barb's for 830 am to babysit until I have to work @ Stone Pipe for 130.
Great. Monsters for kids and gouches for customers.
Oh, and she hasn't phoned.
Thank fucking god for Hazen.

"we have to give 'em hope"

So last night after blogging away I went to bed, but not asleep. I journaled for a good 5 pages then pulled out the family laptop my dad bought but never uses. I rented Milk last night right, well it's a freaking amazing movie. That's what this post is dedicated too.

Harvey Milk

The first openly gay man to be elected to public office. Supervisor in San Fransico.

Now in the movie Mr. Milk is played by Sean Penn, but he does an amazing job. The movie covers the story of 9 years of Harvey's life, 40 - 49 as told by the man himself. It takes him from a closeted 39 year old man in New York who meets a young man in the subway... and take him home. From there dreams are born, of equality and openess. The movie flicks back and forth between Hollywood film ft. Sean Penn and footage from the 70's, where it was all happenin. The band of gay men who take a camera shop and turn it into the hub of the revolution. The love these men have for each other, and the single woman on the campaign is extrodinary. It's a truly eye-opening film that everyone should watch. It's not only a perspective enhanser but it's also just like a good movie.
Some of my favorite characters....

Anne Kronenburg

"I've been telling Harvey we need some hard ass dykes around here"

"well now you've got one"

Cleve Jones

"sorry old man but I'm leaving for Spain tomorrow,

Europe and all the money I need

is right here in my back pocket"

MILK.

RENT IT.

the crown falls from heads unworthy and right onto ours

Today was a good day, but I'm looking forward to tomorrow ! Today I spent the morning at Bekki's, a portion of the afternoon w/ Hazen up sooke, the rest of the afternoon at home cleaning my room, then off to work for 6. Work was good, makin money !!
Tomorrow I want to rise early, and head into Sooke on my bike. Hopefully see Hazen for a bit, then head to Shaelee's for a couple of hours before going to the Youth Night of the Art Show. This is a partly Youth Council event so I have to be manning it a little, I really hope that lots of people show up... although I kind of doubt they will. That's what happens when you try and get youth at an art show... oh well ! Hopefully it will work out !
I've got a "goody bag" to give to Shaelee, which I'm excited about. She's one of the best people to give gifts too because she reacts so enthusiasticly. I've sent her flowers, and brought her back clothes from foreign countries and she always reacts the way I imagine her too. She's perfect that way, and it makes me want to pamper her :P
The art show is something I'm particularly looking forward too, no matter how many people show up. I can't wait to see Hazen perform, when he's on stage and I'm watching it makes my heart swell w/ pride. I can't help but to smile from ear to ear, yeah that's right bitch. that's my man. His music speaks to me in ways that no others do, it connects to my hippie heart.
I'm off to watch Milk, a movie which no one else will watch w/ me. Am I the only one who likes documentary based films about gay politicians ?
Oh, and I've got some journaling to do =]

we aren't afraid of the dark, just the unknown

For many a town at night is a scary place, the thought of empty streets and thousands of hiding places sends chills down their spines. For others, it's freedom.
There are many reasons teens sneak out of the house, in the dead of night. Most of them are heading elsewhere, maybe to a party or a secret rendevouz. No matter their destination whether it be the bottom of a bottle or a lover's arms there is a pause which the night-goer experiences. A quiet time where they roam the streets, enroute.
I love being able to walk the streets of my local town in the middle of the night. I don't do it very often and when I do I'm usually heading for one place. Being able to walk in the middle of the road, at your own pace w/out having to worry about disturbing anyone or anyone mowing you down w/ their car is a very freeing feeling. It's safe and quiet, all the neighbouring houses are asleep but if you really needed them they would come to your rescue, they would protect you. But for now they stand as silent watch gaurds, their presence creating and keeping the danger at bay.
For some silent streets in the middle of the night is a scary prospect, one enough to keep you in your bed.
For me a town asleep is at my disposal and never do I feel more that I can wonder the world, and no one can stop me.
So if you like the freedom, of a world at peace becareful to tip-toe past the shut doors of authority and slip out the window into prosperity. Remember not to be careless, but the world isn't as scary as you think. The things that go bump in the night, are just teens running to each other's arms behind their parent's back.
No matter how much one enjoys the thrill of the sneak, the freedom of the peacefull snoozing or the enticement of their escapades, there is nothing like the feel of relief and triumph of returning to your bed... un-noticed.

ARG,

I've had just one of those days, I was grouchy before which you will know if you read my earlier blog, but today I have lost and found my camera and my phone. Also I've spent hours cleaning my room, during which
I got my hand stabbed in multiple places by the dried up carcass of a poisonous puffer fish.

I can still remember, the words and what they meant. As we etched them with our fingers in years of we cement

Have you ever thrown out something that at some point you could never have concieved you'd be able to live w/out ?

Over the past couple of days I've been cleaning out my room, empyting the shelves and taking the pictures off the walls. I feel like starting over, and my room needs a reno !

As I take the papers off the shelf, and the stuffies out from under the bed the memories that cling to them come rushing into my mind. Some I gently place in seperate bags, headed to a certain person's life and others I cast off into the garbage. Fast and furious, as if if I linger too long they will some how attatch themselves to my hand and I will never be able to get rid of them. The speed in which I tackle this project veries, sometimes speeding to a frenzy, in which one of the things I love reached out and stabbed me. The blood leaked out of my hand in 4 different spots and I knew I must slow down. Tough love from a sharp memory. It's hard to let go of your childhood, in many ways I already have. I can think of a specific moment when my childhood really ended, and it was the day we moved to my current house. I wasn't strong enough then to let go of the physical tokens of my past endeavors but now I feel I am. Instead of clutching on to them, hoping that if I squeeze hard enough they'll take me back to a happier better time I am going to send them on their way. They deserve a great parade, a send-off full of galantry ! Unfortunately I don't have a marching band, or a banner proclaiming how much they've helped me get to the point where I can let them go, so I'll just have to let the tears fall and hope they can recognize a moment where I couldn't have lived without them in every glistening drop.

the oldtime music plays in the background

At this very moment I'm feeling a bit grouchy. Like "no Mr.Cratchet, you can't have Christmas day off", that kind of grouchy.
I don't mean to bitch, but I've got to.
I've got an upwards of 30 + bug bites, which are not only enfuriatingly itchy but span across my body giving me the appearance of someone ridden with disease !
Both knees hurt. One is swollen and red, it's not too noticable. Like the kind of swollen and red that only the injured notice, or maybe those that pay close attention, so it's easier for everyone else to forget about it. And continue to knock it, sending pain coursing through the joint. The other is just a bit tender, only hurts when you push on it.
I want to cut my tongue out of my head. On Monday night while at the movies I bit it, hard with my back molars. Now my tongue is swollen and has been bleeding since Monday night. It hurts to do pretty much everything. It decreases my will to talk, and to eat. I really haven't been eating since Monday, it's now Wednesday. Also, the only way I can talk w/out too much pain is if I lift up my tongue, creating a lisp.
So now I'm a limping, also do to extremely sore muscles, heap of red spots that communicates with a lisp.
Also, she hasn't called. She said she'd call to create a further interview but she hasn't.
and now that I've bitched, I'm off to clean my fucking room.

"you're barley even ginger anymore"

I'm currently at Hazen's house... without him. It's kind of weird, this is the 3rd time I've been here solo... oh wait no 4th. The first time was only for a few minutes, he had to go to work and my mom was late picking me up. the 2nd well.. we'll leave that one out. The 3rd he went to guitar and I remained here... making dinner for his family which was extremely fun ! And now... while he's at guitar again. Aah well it's not too bad, semi awkward but I've huddled myself downstairs on the computer and am avoiding interaction. I would hang with Madeliene but she has a friend over, Jasmine I think.
Today is my brother's 18th birthday. I haven't seen him, and I doubt I will. He signed into msn this morning, from i'm not sure where, and I wish him a "Happy Birthday loser". We won't DO anything for his birthday, just like we didn't do anything for mine. I didn't get him a present, but hey he's never gotten me a birtday present. That's how it is with me and my family... we forget about each other. Like on my birthday instead of coming to my play in which I was a main character he got in a road-side fight and broke 2 bones. Not only did he totaly forget my birthday, I was the one who paid for his ticket for the show. We've only known each other for 4 years, I guess half-siblings are unique that way.
Some people I find extremely confusing. That's how I'm feeling today. They say one thing and then prevent it from happening. I have friends who get screwed around love-life wise and it annoys me to hell ! I have a guy friend who's had his heart broken so many times that he is afraid to let anyone get close to him. He momentarily slips up, and begins to reveal to a girl that he likes her then in the darkness of a movie theatre when she tries to get his attention he sits hard as a rock. A cold shoulder. He's afraid to love, while some of my other friends are desperate for it. Well, desperate for it with one person. I hate that I have friends, 2 in particular, who seem between a rock and a hard place when it comes to love. I love both of them so much, and they deserve someone to hold their hand and make them feel as good as they truly are. I wish some other people would see them as I do, and step up to the plate. I can't be that person for them, atleast not right now, but they deserve someone. And I hope they come soon, or smarten up.

"well baby that's just the ugly truth"

This morning I awoke, earlier than I would have liked considering how late Hazen and I were on the phone last night. The poor boy is going through withdrawl, there's not too much swell and his wetsuit is now too small and has been passed onto his little brother.
We'll have been going out for a year on November 12th, which may seem far away now but I know it's really just around the corner. I know what I'm going to get him, a didgeridoo. He's got one he's made himself... just PVC Pipe and surf wax. I'll get him a hand-carved one soon enough... just got to save up the money and with the increase of shifts @ the restaurant that won't take too long.
This week I'm working tomorrow @ 6, Thursday @ 6, Saturday from 130 - 330 then Sunday @ 530. Oh, and I'm also babysitting from 830 - 130 on Saturday. Finally some decent hours !
I applied at Village Foods on Thursday, and I'm waiting for her to phone. The phone didn't ring with her inquiries today... hopefully tomorrow !
Soo anyways.... Hazen came over, showing up without phoning to find me in the shower. lol. Then we headed up to the lake on our bikes, my muscles considerably sore from my run/swim yesterday. We walked up a trail and spent a while appreciating each other and the nature around us. Yeah, we're hippies like that. Then in for a swim, then flying back down the road in order to catch the bus.
On to the community bus, met up with Jessica Lampe. Then Hazen headed home and Dalton & Zack arrived. The 4 of us headed into Langford, to see The Ugly Truth. It was good, although the tension between the 4 of us was interested. All the little connections and intricasies that make life interesting.
Back on the bus, the ride passed quickly as I was able to talk to Justin the whole way. Got some usefull advice about didgeridoo's and life in general, it was great to re-connect with him.
Now I'm confused and exhausted, and am going to go to bed.
g'night =]

"well maybe I'll just copyright that shit then"

The sun is set, and my body is failing... it's been a good long day.
This morning I woke up, and milled around a bit. Typed up some stuff I wrote yesterday and posted it on here. Then I left the electronic world to contemplate what to do next. I was suddenly overwhelmed by frustration, at what I'm not sure. Sudden mood swings suck, and when I'm taken with anger frustration there's only one thing to do.
Go for a run.
I changed into my running clothes, with my bathing suit underneath and put my headphones in my ears. I chugged down the driveway, but my run started off to weak start... it was still early in the morning. I soon felt my body awakening and my pace increased, the breaks becoming farther and farther apart.
The strength of the human body amazes me. I'm not saying that I'm fit, or in a good shape... in fact I would say I'm not, but I'm working on it. As I swam the entire length and back of the lake I could feel my muscles working to move me through the water. Pulling me forward and ducking under the water to refresh myself. I felt strangely separated from my body, and I watched almost from a 3rd person ; watched my muscles working to complete the task I set for them.
I love swimming alone. I'm alone in my body, and alone in the lake. The only swimmer who ventures out into the middle, or straight across the entire lake. My mother hates it, apparantly it's "unsafe" but I'm unwilling to give it up.
I'm unwilling to sacrafice the freedom I have in making my body work hard in the sanctuary of the lake I've grown up in.
After an hour in the water I changed back into my running gear behind a tree and ran home. My body exhausted but able to be pushed harder than it has ever been before. I showered off the muck and headed into Sooke with my mom, grama and great-aunt.
We got icecream and went to the local park.
Trust me, you never want to help an 83 year old woman go to the washroom in a hot, dirty port-a-potty. Oh, and she's claustrophobic.
Back home, rub a dub dub jump in the tub.
Then off too work =]
It's been a great day, I've pushed my body to new limits and I will continue too. Now it's off to bed, my body is shutting down.

Believers, but in a different Gospel

Have you ever had a moment, that made you believe in majic ?
A mid summer storm can produce such a moment. A moment where I find myself in a small city which I know, but stome parts still remain a mystery. The rain spatteres down, slowly cleaning us. In the middle of this city of service the smell of mother nature rises up. Beneath our concrete the world breathes and exhales on our faces. As we walk along smoothly paved streets w/ cobbled side walks time freezes. Just for us, just for a moment. A moment that could last seconds, or stretch on for hours. How ever long it takes to save us.

The wet pavement reflects the yellow, orange, pink, purple sky. We are alone but the world moves on around us, as we prance over railroad tracks and strutt across crosswalks temporarily unneeded. Time to us is frozen, we are frozen in our time, in our moment and yet we are able to dance not offending anything.

Where we go once we reconnect w/ reality, I don't want to say it doesn't matter but it feels that it matters less. We now have a clean slate, as teh rain has cleaned our bodies this moment of lucidity has cleaned our soulds. This moment is our Jubilee Year.

It feels like there is only 2 of us, even though I can see others. They are mearely passing ships in the storm. It is maybe just us 2, this moment given specificaly to us. The other ones I see, I wonder if they too feel cleansed and revolutionized. Somehow I doubt it. This moment is for us. Me and him. A new start for us as individuals and a new start for us as a couple. The toils and tears of the past weeks lay on the ground, dissolving in a puddle. There is only realization. A renewal, a re-birth. Phase 2.

Maybe moments like this happen all the time but they are only revealed to certain people. Only shown when they will make the impact. I've seen summer storms before, but never have I expirienced one like this. This is the moment we are clean, the moment we are let into a small portion of the secret, a small portion of what the meaning of life truly is.

I look and I see the sillouhette of the outskirts of a city, behind it the sky is on fire. The colours of hope span across it. He grabs my hand and we are still as thunder rumbles across us. When I look up at the sky hope reaches my eyes but to my ears the Earth must be shattering. I guess it's a good thing I am able to recognize both.

Then his lips prses against mine and lightning forks, cutting across the nearby rainbow. His kiss grows in power and his hand become entangled in my hair. I never thought I would be here, never thought I would be this in love. Never thought I would be kissed in the middle of the road in the midst of a warm summer storm. Our lips break apart and I gasp for breath, my head feels light. I snuggle into his arms and I can see the rainbow reflected in his eyes. Soem would follow it but I know my collection of gold, is right here in my arms.

The power of love and of nature brings me to my knees and I am lost for words. Some people believe in a God, and some in justice. I believe in nature. I believe that this storm was congured for 2 teens struggling to keep their love working. I believe that just as it has in this moment of happening when I am gone nature will rise up in anguish of my death and claim my essence.

This summer storm has planted me again, and re-kindled my love. I have crossed a line. Seen another side to what is no longer just a 3 dimensional world. I've crossed that line w/ him, and there's no going back now.

This summer storm has planted me again.

we're alone like a crutch, maybe that's what keeps us up... all night with the light on

I'm sitting here drinking my tea and contemplating the world. That's what you're supposed to do each morning right ?
Hazen is biking his way in my direction so we can both head up to Barb's to babysit her boys 'till 2. With no way into the little city looks like we're spending the day @ the lake, which is fine with me =] Eventually we'll have to find our way though, since I work @ the restaurant from 130 - 330... we'll manage the layover with a sundae.
Yesterday my Great Aunt Daphne arrived, she's about 4 ft tall and has an English accent and I love her. First time I met her was yesterday. Here's how it went...
Well she arrived just as I was leaving to go to Hazen's yesterday so we sort of met but not really. Anyway I'm sitting at the computer typing an e-mail but have writer's block so am balancing the phone on my forehead trying to procrastinate. The phone rings, scaring the living crap out of me. I go "WOAH" and fall off my chair. She kindly looks at me and says,
"are you allright love ?"
Maybe these 2 weeks won't be too bad.
You know what I hate ?
When you say something and it causes a great inconvience for someone else, but you neve realized that it would effect the situation so much. When you screw things up for another person by saying something that was not marked, labeled or flagged as a potential big-deal. It's a hard position to be in, feeling bad and feeling screwed.
Well the babysitting job calls ....

we don't sleep very much, these triggers ache for the touch

I've been home all day.

babysitting. dogsitting. gramasitting. the latter making my head spin.

2 days at home alone with my racist grandma who suffers from dimensia. help. dealing with her is like a constant reminder of what she used to be, the woman i never knew but who kept her family together even with an abusive husband. she was apparantly a force to be reckoned with but I don't see it, can't see it. oh well, that's not what I wanted to write.

It hurts when you lose someone.

That's what I wanted to write.

It hurts when you lose someone.

Since September Cory, Bill, Troy, Emma-Lyn, Shayna, Laura and Erin have died.

The exchange students have come and gone like the tide,

and my best friend has moved away. twice.

Tamara comes and goes, and it is foolish of me to cling on to her when I know she will no doubt leave again, the first time she left I moved on. I found new friends, and new love.

One of the people I found was Shaelee. She's revolutionized my idea of how people view themselves and how confidence can play such a bigger role. She's so strong, and even when a broken heart often pulls her down she gets up. every single fucking time. She's amazing, and I love her. When Tamara left for a while there she was my best friend. She's my right-hand man.

and now she might be moving to Victoria.

I know it sounds petty but I've lost a lot of people this year and I don't know what I'll do if Shaelee moves away again. I sincerely hope she doesn't.

Shaelee, I love you and I hope you stay.

Shaelee-esque

Today I got a new mini-dress from the Sally Anne !
4.65$ mofo !
I realize this fashion-ish blog is very similiar to Shaelee's so I'm sorry dear ! Not sure yet how to rotate things... it might look a little crazy, the design atleast but it really looks like...checkered !

I love it =] and for that kind of price, feeling extra cute is most definetly worth it.

This blog is as it says potential satisfaction. we've all got potential, I figured I better put what I strive to be, potential satisfaction instead of a potential dissapointment which really we all are. Potential satisfaction. sure, yet even that doesn't really fit. I'd rather not settle for being satisfied, but strive for happiness even exuberance. exuberance, that would've been a much better word. Wish I'd thought of that one a few minutes ago.
I don't know how I feel today, unhappy but yet on a rollercoaster I guess. He just called to say he loved me. that's it, that's all. He's about to start work and just wanted to pass along the message. I'm so lucky, and yet tears constantly spill from my eyes. fuck. he's calling because I was honest with him, finally. I laid it all on the line which I couldn't do before because I didn't have the words but just acknowledging that was what gave me the platform to create them.
I didn't have the words, but now I do. sort of. =]
This morning I meant to go into Sooke with my dad, but the alarm clock didn't get me out of bed early enough. scratch that, my lazy drive didn't get me out of bed. so instead I headed into the faraway little town on the community bus, and handed in my resume to Village Food Markets. It went well, she said she would phone me for a further interview. Helps my parent's are friends with her, her as in the manager of the store in charge of all hiring/firing.
Spent some time with Hazen, grabbed some soft serve. It was nice. Just nice.
Came home, and dog-sat the neighbour's dog... should probly go back over there to check on the ladies.
Was honest, and am now killing time before going to babysit.
I hope she calls =]
I'm glad he called =]
I hope this all works out =]
I hope this blog turns into exuberance. potential exuberance.