yikes!

On Tuesday I'm getting tested to see if I am a match to give my uncle a kidney.
My mom is supremely against it.
If he doesn't get a kidney he will die.
What do we have if we let our family fall to ruins?

I have slept in two days in a row. It's a miracle!

It felt more like Christmas three weeks ago when I was the only one that was already making Christmas cards. It is always that way, I always feel the season long before everyone else but as everyone else swings their way into the holiday I seem to slip out of it.
It's almost like once the tree goes up, the spirit goes out.
Even right now as I sit here on my couch typing away, enjoying the steady clicks of the keys of my laptop's keyboard, I can see our tree. It is decked out in new lights, they're multi-coloured but there seems to be an abundance of red and orange. The TV blares out at me commercials advertising things that are supposed to bring your family back together.
Well that's just bullshit.
Our house is empty.
It's just me, my parents, and siblings we have imported because the real ones I have dread coming through the front door.

The holidays seem to be dragging for me this year as I look at how empty the house is. My brothers are making their own lives, building their own families and creating their own traditions. My sisters are either already long-time mother-of-the-year living the life with 4 kids, nice house, loving family, hundreds of kms away, or wallowing in the love of a Jesus that doesn't love her back.

I wish that our house was full to the brim with a family that loves us all.
But unfortunately there are stakes of past resentments driven between any two members you could pick out of the array of the people I call "family".