dad, you are so falsely hopeful. stop talking about taking the summer off work and driving across Canada because I know that it is just another one of your crack-pot ideas... but it's just to tempting. I would have loved to drive across Canada, but next summer just doesn't work for me.
Sorry, but this "adventure as a family" comes just too little too late.

hey dad, remember that time you were going to teach me to ride a bike?
hey dad, remember when you told me I was an only child?
hey dad, remember when you told me you were going to make us all a family?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to go to disneyland?
hey dad, remember when we were going to "cleanse our bodies"?
hey dad, remember that time you became buddist?
hey dad, remember that time you told me you weren't a stoner?
hey dad, remember that time you were going to run a marathon?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to start swimming together?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to fix up the firebird?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to go fishing?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to buy a sailboat?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to start a garden?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to go to mexico?
hey dad, remember that time you were going to teach me to drive a motorcyle?
hey dad, remember that time... when I believed you?

i like it best
when she cries.
the tears roll down
from her eyes.
i take her in
my lovin arms
and i pretend
she's mine
again

I don't know what to do for our anniversary this year. It's my turn to plan it out, and I want to do something amazing but when he planned it last year it wasn't that extravagant. We went out for dinner at my workplace and then went back to his place. We had fully clothed sex until he told me his brother was right through the wall. Then I favoured his needs with extreme skill and he ignored mine.
Do I go big and rock his world? Or do I give him what he gave me last year ?

2 years is just so much longer than 1.

It's just scary, that's all.

"the perfect housewife pours her lover's tea first, and never hers before the other guests"

I am drowning in guilt. My poor grandmother. I wanted her out of the house for so long and now sometimes all I wish for is for her to be back. But not the her she was when she left. I want my grandmother back. I feel so guilty knowing that she is sitting in some one-window beige room in a building full of people who don't know their own names and nurses that hardly speak English.
Sometimes she knows who I am, sometimes she doesn't. I feel so guilty all the time, and at any moment of contemplation or pure nothing it is her face that comes to me. In the middle of yoga class, in a meditation, sitting on the shore of the ocean. It is her face that draws the tears to my eyes.
I want to go to her, I want to see her, I want to love her, I want her to love me. Once I get there all I can think about how horrible the place is and how much I want to leave, but to leave without her? It seems like a crime.
Most days it's fine. Most days it doesn't cross my mind, but then when it does the guilt is tripled because of the emotional neglect I have doctored in my forgetting. I don't know what's worse, forgetting or remembering.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. She will not be at the table with the rest of the family.
Will she know that it is thanksgiving? Will someone tell her, will she figure it out? Will she know what thanksgiving is? Will she know and curse us for not going to her on this holiday? Will she hate me for it? Will she remember me at all? Is she thankful for me? Is she thankful for anything? Does she know her own name? Does she smile? Does she love? Does she... exist?

family?

I conviently "forgot" to invite my sister to thankgiving dinnner. Sounds harsh I know. Well my dad invited her. Not only is she coming over for thanksgiving, she is coming over a day early and spending the night.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

apparantly you no longer like it, but i didn't know.