yikes!

On Tuesday I'm getting tested to see if I am a match to give my uncle a kidney.
My mom is supremely against it.
If he doesn't get a kidney he will die.
What do we have if we let our family fall to ruins?

I have slept in two days in a row. It's a miracle!

It felt more like Christmas three weeks ago when I was the only one that was already making Christmas cards. It is always that way, I always feel the season long before everyone else but as everyone else swings their way into the holiday I seem to slip out of it.
It's almost like once the tree goes up, the spirit goes out.
Even right now as I sit here on my couch typing away, enjoying the steady clicks of the keys of my laptop's keyboard, I can see our tree. It is decked out in new lights, they're multi-coloured but there seems to be an abundance of red and orange. The TV blares out at me commercials advertising things that are supposed to bring your family back together.
Well that's just bullshit.
Our house is empty.
It's just me, my parents, and siblings we have imported because the real ones I have dread coming through the front door.

The holidays seem to be dragging for me this year as I look at how empty the house is. My brothers are making their own lives, building their own families and creating their own traditions. My sisters are either already long-time mother-of-the-year living the life with 4 kids, nice house, loving family, hundreds of kms away, or wallowing in the love of a Jesus that doesn't love her back.

I wish that our house was full to the brim with a family that loves us all.
But unfortunately there are stakes of past resentments driven between any two members you could pick out of the array of the people I call "family".

67 days until I go to France. It doesn't seem real, will it seem real once I'm on the plane?
I am so tired of waiting it makes me angry all the time

when someone sees straight into you
and wants to stand and hold you true

I undestand why some people cheat. To prove to themselves that they are still desireable to someone other than the person that is getting tired of them.

My exchange student gets invited to the parties I have spent a lifetime envying.

:)

falalalala lalalala

the time between arriving and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love...

the ones that we love always hurt us the most.

"you're not a true friend and a good one, if you were
you would understand i don't need you"

how can you just leave without even telling me you're going or saying goodbye?
we were supposed to be best friends. how can you jsut come into my life and then just leave back and forth like I'm a fucking revolving door?
well you've broken me again, and it's salt in the wound because I believed you when you told me you weren't going to.

udpown.

dad, you are so falsely hopeful. stop talking about taking the summer off work and driving across Canada because I know that it is just another one of your crack-pot ideas... but it's just to tempting. I would have loved to drive across Canada, but next summer just doesn't work for me.
Sorry, but this "adventure as a family" comes just too little too late.

hey dad, remember that time you were going to teach me to ride a bike?
hey dad, remember when you told me I was an only child?
hey dad, remember when you told me you were going to make us all a family?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to go to disneyland?
hey dad, remember when we were going to "cleanse our bodies"?
hey dad, remember that time you became buddist?
hey dad, remember that time you told me you weren't a stoner?
hey dad, remember that time you were going to run a marathon?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to start swimming together?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to fix up the firebird?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to go fishing?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to buy a sailboat?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to start a garden?
hey dad, remember that time we were going to go to mexico?
hey dad, remember that time you were going to teach me to drive a motorcyle?
hey dad, remember that time... when I believed you?

i like it best
when she cries.
the tears roll down
from her eyes.
i take her in
my lovin arms
and i pretend
she's mine
again

I don't know what to do for our anniversary this year. It's my turn to plan it out, and I want to do something amazing but when he planned it last year it wasn't that extravagant. We went out for dinner at my workplace and then went back to his place. We had fully clothed sex until he told me his brother was right through the wall. Then I favoured his needs with extreme skill and he ignored mine.
Do I go big and rock his world? Or do I give him what he gave me last year ?

2 years is just so much longer than 1.

It's just scary, that's all.

"the perfect housewife pours her lover's tea first, and never hers before the other guests"

I am drowning in guilt. My poor grandmother. I wanted her out of the house for so long and now sometimes all I wish for is for her to be back. But not the her she was when she left. I want my grandmother back. I feel so guilty knowing that she is sitting in some one-window beige room in a building full of people who don't know their own names and nurses that hardly speak English.
Sometimes she knows who I am, sometimes she doesn't. I feel so guilty all the time, and at any moment of contemplation or pure nothing it is her face that comes to me. In the middle of yoga class, in a meditation, sitting on the shore of the ocean. It is her face that draws the tears to my eyes.
I want to go to her, I want to see her, I want to love her, I want her to love me. Once I get there all I can think about how horrible the place is and how much I want to leave, but to leave without her? It seems like a crime.
Most days it's fine. Most days it doesn't cross my mind, but then when it does the guilt is tripled because of the emotional neglect I have doctored in my forgetting. I don't know what's worse, forgetting or remembering.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. She will not be at the table with the rest of the family.
Will she know that it is thanksgiving? Will someone tell her, will she figure it out? Will she know what thanksgiving is? Will she know and curse us for not going to her on this holiday? Will she hate me for it? Will she remember me at all? Is she thankful for me? Is she thankful for anything? Does she know her own name? Does she smile? Does she love? Does she... exist?

family?

I conviently "forgot" to invite my sister to thankgiving dinnner. Sounds harsh I know. Well my dad invited her. Not only is she coming over for thanksgiving, she is coming over a day early and spending the night.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

apparantly you no longer like it, but i didn't know.

at night he's sleeping in someone else's bed, but I don't mind 'cause I'm in someone else's head

I am so tired of waiting. waiting and waiting to start my life. to start going to the parties, to stop feeling ugly and start feeling sexy.
I give myself deadlines and set new ones when they fly by.
I want it to be February so I can go to France and come back another person but if going is all I'm waiting for to become this other person... then why don't I just start now?
Sometimes I think Hazen weighs me down, but other times I am so jealous of him.
I need to get invited to a party.
I need February to HURRY THE FUCK UP.

this is a whole new league of bad. flitting in and out, trying to think of everything and nothing at the same time. what if, what if, what if. Fuck. I just want to know, but then she arrives and I can't go to check. I cry into my pillow, I rush about as if I always have somwhere to be. I work myself to exhaustion, I ... I ... I... read blogg posts that fill me with anger because I know that he could never string together words about me the way she does about her. I fling myself into sleep only to be held back by a thread that I can't find to cut.

2 years later and I still can't look at him

I knew about what he had done over the summer.
I knew he was addicted now.
I warned her not to get back with him.
I struggled to hold on to our friendship when she did.
I was the one that stayed the knife in her hand when she found out he had slept with someone else.
I found it easier to forgive her.
I still can't look at him.

on this roller coaster ride, demons they be flyin by but I just wave and smile, killin 'em all with my happiness

don't worry guys,

I'm sure I'll be back eventually

You're only young once, and you can say that as much as you want, repeat it inside your head until it's a god damn religion, but until you tell your mind to shut the fuck up, walk over to the crowd of dancers or the empty space, and just start to move your body, you're old. you're old and dried up and dying.
let go, and dance.
just, shake it.

going to bed without you, just isn't the same.

i'm looking down at you from the bottom of my hole, how about you pass me a ladder, asshole?

THIS MUST BE A FUCKING JOKE.

3 PERIODS IN ONE MONTH.

I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR.
THIS IS WAR.

I just want to be that girl.

so she gets here in less than a month.
and i just have this fear, this feeling.
she is going to be popular, get invited to the parties,
and leave me in the dust.

blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blahety blah, blah blah, blah.

wtf.

Dear body,

I think there has been a mistake in regards to my uterus. I do believe that periods are supposed to arrive once monthly, and I had mine finish about 7 days ago, therefore the arrival of another one I am finding very offensive.

Thank you for taking the time to regard my complaint, I trust that you will take the appropriate actions.

Yours truly,

Emily.

god told me one time, that he'd let me into heaven when I'm done

"I wrote a song about you,"

"Seriously!!??!! What is it about??"

He wrote a song? About me? Wow,
because he's not good with words, he's not good with feelings...

"yeah,"

"Well, what's it about? Can I hear it?"

"no, you can't hear it"

"What! Why not? Come on, what's it about??"

"Well, it's about missing you"

"What is that supposed to mean? I'm right here"

"Yeah, you're right here, right now. You're always gone, always at work, always planning ways to get yourself across the world. We both know that you're not around a lot Em, it's about missing you."

fuck.

eh eh eh

"don't do drugs"

"they're bad for you"

"you're going to regret it"

it's all just a quest for material gain

just the "american dream"

the frame of mind that you need money to be important.

thank you very much, but I think I will just toke up
and think for myself.

i miss her like a caught fish mishes the ocean.

going to visit my grandmother in the morning for her birthday (which will be horrible since she won't remember it was her birthday), working all afternoon, then volunteering all dinner, then no one to watch the fireworks with ? yeah canada day is going to be fun.

the one thing you lack babe, is the ability to string words together. i'm a writer, i'm a reader, and you're a man without anything to say. you'll never be able to get truly into my heart, because the door doesn't open up to anything but pure poetic words. you were given a voice to use, to use to sculpt love, to create worlds, and to invite yourself into my soul... not to create enough conversation so it isn't awkward.

well the school year is finally done. I have finished all of my exams and am now sorting through the things I want to keep and the things I no longer need. I have taken all of my work out of my binders, and put it in a huge pile in the middle of my living room. There is no point in keeping it, I have completed the course, the material is no longer needed. I'm going to throw it out. But I'm having troubles, because when I look at that huge pile of no-longer-needed papers all I can see is the effort and care and time that went into those assignments. As a student who works hard in school, that's hours and hours of dedication... now worthless. I put in all that effort, for what ? A little note on my file saying that I passed Advanced Placement Science 10.
Everything has an expiration date, even your efforts... there they are ... on the floor in a pile... worthless.... fucking pointless.

every good scholar knows the importance of flashcards.

HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN A LICENSED DRIVER SINCE THURSDAY!

I'm going to be driving in 12 days.
o m g

HOLY EFF.

THAT WAS THE MOST INTENSE EPISODE OF GREY'S ANATOMY EVER.
IT WAS AMAZING.
I ALMOST PEED IN MY PANTS
AND CHOCKED B/C I WAS SHOVING MY BLANKET
INTO MY MOUTH.

the worst death of them all; mcbaby.

when ever i'm feeling down i just listen to this song and it makes it all better. no matter what.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0&feature=PlayList&p=BD049B421E193F5D&playnext_from=PL&index=11&playnext=12

hahahahahaa

My mom comes up to me and tells me this story :
the other day shew as talking to a co-worker about a very important and sensitive issue and the co-worker said "no, I can't make the decision. you need to, you have more seniority" and my mom says "no, that's not the way I roll"

AAAAAAAAWE YEAH :)
she won't admit it,
but she digs my gangsta flow.

I miss my little niece, Faith <3

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH CANUCKS !

I feel so responsible.
I am currently catching up on science homework. Now usually I wouldn't be behind in the first place, but this week I've spent hours and hours helping out with the Leadership to create our term 3 recognition assembly, so I've missed some classes. Oh, and I got sick.
After my science I'm going to breeze through a few pages of socials studies 11 (I got the top mark in my class of 11s and 12s btw).
By then it will most likely be around 5, so I'm going to go to a friend's birthday party and have some fun.
Then tomorrow I'm volunteering all day, then working all night. Hopefully I will get a chance to finish off my online planning booklets. I want to get those finished before May gets into full swing because with the play starting June 2nd rehearsals will get crazy ! and June is usually pretty hectic anyways.

This summer is shaping up to be a little ... CRAZY. I'm going to have to step on some toes and get myself out of some stuff because if I continue on without changing anything here's what my summer will look like :
730 - 330, Mon - Fri, work @ seaparc.
5 - 8, Mon - Thurs, summer school (to get ahead, not because I failed) in Langford.
5 - 10, Fri - Sun, work @ stone pipe.

Then in September I will be taking Chemistry 11, Biology 11, and Physics 11 with a spare. Oh, and my French exchange student will be here too.

Then, if I survive 'till then, in Febuary... I'M FREE ! AND OFF TOFRANCE FOR 3 MONTHS WITH NO WORK, AND NO RESPONSIBILITIES !!

one day friend, i'll push my homework aside. one day friend, i'll say no to my boss when he offers me extra shifts. one day friend, i'll dance down the street. one day friend, my tan will come from lying on my roof not from running after kids all day in the sun. one day friend, i'll stay up past 10:30. one day friend, i'll spend my friday night somewhere that isn't home or work. one day friend, i'll go to a party. one day friend, i'll sip on a beer. one day friend, we'll take a camping trip. one day friend, we'll drive around just because we can. one day friend, we'll have not a care in the world. one day friend, you'll ask me to come with you on an adventure and I'll drop all my responsibilities and we'll split.
one day friend, one day !

I'M A BE, I'M A BE, I'M A BE
LIVIN THAT GOOD GOOD LIFE

We're talkin on facebook chat, and in my mind I'm saying hmm, I like catching up but it hurts... maybe that's a sign. Maybe catching up isn't a good idea when your message pops up : wow typin on the computer is such a trip when you're drunk.
So much for getting off the drugs, the booze and getting on with school.

I'll see you later Devyn.

yes, yes, allright. I always get it mixed up, your birthday I mean. I always think it's on the 28th, even though you've told me a million times it's the 27th. But you always think mine is the 4th. Last year you did a big thing for my birthday, and I was shocked. But you were home then, and we were best friends. Things have changed.

yes, I did pretty much nothing for your birthday this year.

But you live a million miles away
and you don't phone me and tell me about your day anymore
and deep down I'm still mad at you
for leaving me and and breaking my heart
then coming back and making me whole again,
only to dart off without even telling me you were going
or even saying goodbye.
You see I'm used to you leaving,
and maybe I make a little less effort because I feel that you feel we're not important
maybe you make more effort so I'll think we are significant.
You're the one that taught me how to live without you,
and if it wasn't for facebook, I wouldn't know if you were alive or not.

But when it all comes down to it,
you've broken my heart so many times,
and so much worse than a boy ever could.
So I don't put in as much effort as I used to,
but you weave in and out of my life
and my heartstrings
not putting up any warning signals
and not caring about the destruction you make.

dear Tamara, you're my best friend.

but this yo-yo thing, it confuses me

I never know when to love you.

Well, I haven't written in a while. Life is cruisin along slowly, but why am I even saying this ? no one reads this anyways... I started writing to keep my sanity but now I've grown up, and hardly ever write anymore unless it's for school. I'm just too busy, maybe that's what growing up is like... stopping the stuff that you love because you've got to earn the money, make the grade and fuel the man.
fuck this shit, I'm going surfing.

I gotta say, you're driving me crazy.

blah blah blah.

what is mediocre passion?

it's a couple coming together for the first time in months

and wondering why they fussed so much

about this activity's absence.

It's faking sick to get your schoolwork done

and spending the day watching

others compete olympically.

It's not writing in your blog, or in your journal

because you fall to your bed exhausted

without the energy for the pen.

It's wondering if she likes him, instead of her

who likes another, who liked the orginal

who is friends with me.

It's making food because you're starving

then eating it with extreme reluctance

while looking at your stomach.

It's reading books to get away from your life

instead of going out

and living it.

I am so exhausted.

we are going back to school on monday, but I feel like I haven't even had a holiday.
one thing having a dimentia grandma living at home does ; ruin your fucking holiday.