this is a whole new league of bad. flitting in and out, trying to think of everything and nothing at the same time. what if, what if, what if. Fuck. I just want to know, but then she arrives and I can't go to check. I cry into my pillow, I rush about as if I always have somwhere to be. I work myself to exhaustion, I ... I ... I... read blogg posts that fill me with anger because I know that he could never string together words about me the way she does about her. I fling myself into sleep only to be held back by a thread that I can't find to cut.