at night he's sleeping in someone else's bed, but I don't mind 'cause I'm in someone else's head

I am so tired of waiting. waiting and waiting to start my life. to start going to the parties, to stop feeling ugly and start feeling sexy.
I give myself deadlines and set new ones when they fly by.
I want it to be February so I can go to France and come back another person but if going is all I'm waiting for to become this other person... then why don't I just start now?
Sometimes I think Hazen weighs me down, but other times I am so jealous of him.
I need to get invited to a party.
I need February to HURRY THE FUCK UP.

this is a whole new league of bad. flitting in and out, trying to think of everything and nothing at the same time. what if, what if, what if. Fuck. I just want to know, but then she arrives and I can't go to check. I cry into my pillow, I rush about as if I always have somwhere to be. I work myself to exhaustion, I ... I ... I... read blogg posts that fill me with anger because I know that he could never string together words about me the way she does about her. I fling myself into sleep only to be held back by a thread that I can't find to cut.

2 years later and I still can't look at him

I knew about what he had done over the summer.
I knew he was addicted now.
I warned her not to get back with him.
I struggled to hold on to our friendship when she did.
I was the one that stayed the knife in her hand when she found out he had slept with someone else.
I found it easier to forgive her.
I still can't look at him.