2 years is just so much longer than 1.

It's just scary, that's all.

"the perfect housewife pours her lover's tea first, and never hers before the other guests"

I am drowning in guilt. My poor grandmother. I wanted her out of the house for so long and now sometimes all I wish for is for her to be back. But not the her she was when she left. I want my grandmother back. I feel so guilty knowing that she is sitting in some one-window beige room in a building full of people who don't know their own names and nurses that hardly speak English.
Sometimes she knows who I am, sometimes she doesn't. I feel so guilty all the time, and at any moment of contemplation or pure nothing it is her face that comes to me. In the middle of yoga class, in a meditation, sitting on the shore of the ocean. It is her face that draws the tears to my eyes.
I want to go to her, I want to see her, I want to love her, I want her to love me. Once I get there all I can think about how horrible the place is and how much I want to leave, but to leave without her? It seems like a crime.
Most days it's fine. Most days it doesn't cross my mind, but then when it does the guilt is tripled because of the emotional neglect I have doctored in my forgetting. I don't know what's worse, forgetting or remembering.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. She will not be at the table with the rest of the family.
Will she know that it is thanksgiving? Will someone tell her, will she figure it out? Will she know what thanksgiving is? Will she know and curse us for not going to her on this holiday? Will she hate me for it? Will she remember me at all? Is she thankful for me? Is she thankful for anything? Does she know her own name? Does she smile? Does she love? Does she... exist?

family?

I conviently "forgot" to invite my sister to thankgiving dinnner. Sounds harsh I know. Well my dad invited her. Not only is she coming over for thanksgiving, she is coming over a day early and spending the night.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

apparantly you no longer like it, but i didn't know.

at night he's sleeping in someone else's bed, but I don't mind 'cause I'm in someone else's head

I am so tired of waiting. waiting and waiting to start my life. to start going to the parties, to stop feeling ugly and start feeling sexy.
I give myself deadlines and set new ones when they fly by.
I want it to be February so I can go to France and come back another person but if going is all I'm waiting for to become this other person... then why don't I just start now?
Sometimes I think Hazen weighs me down, but other times I am so jealous of him.
I need to get invited to a party.
I need February to HURRY THE FUCK UP.